That’s the great thing about schizophrenia

That’s the great thing about schizophrenia – it’s hard at times to imagine how much you miss things you were once a part of.  

In another life I knew someone who was telling a story about a graduate school course they were taking in pursuit of a masters degree.  I’m not sure if the story was about a real case or if the class had been discussing mental disorders.  In relating the discussion to me my friend finished the story with the line “that’s the great thing about schizophrenia,” which to those of us who don’t suffer from the disorder or know anyone who does, can be a funny phrase.  

Right away the two of recognized there was a book title in this gem of ironic thinking which could be added too with everyday life experiences and if properly polished had the potential to be a best seller.  Over the next year or so we added a few chapter titles captured from other ironic phrases and events unfolding from our lives, even going so far as to write some of them down on paper during a meal.

 

But the reality of becoming best selling authors evaporated, and all that is left is the sorrow from missing the moments of excitement created when a thunderbolt created the next chapter in our book.

 

I cannot remember why schizophrenia was a great thing, I am certain we were not trying to belittle anyone who suffers from the disease, my friend has always been a very compassionate person with a moral and social righteousness conscious rivaling Mother Theresa.  It’s just that they had this way of making things funny and sweet and cute and lovable and innocent. 

And this is the point, there are things about our lives and their interactions with those around us, I say their because I think our lives have a life of their own which pulls and pushes us in directions we otherwise wouldn’t take ourselves, an internal compass and gyroscope moving us forward and taking us places our conscious brain and thoughts won’t go because it’s too hard, too close, or too scary.  So we have these moments with other people which are created by the interactions of our lives that bond us instantly and forever to the person, they link us in our spirit and soul so completely that when you realize you’ll never be able to add chapters to that book it brings forth a sorrow.

 

I miss adding chapters to the book because those moments were the best moments.  So having put this on paper and working through the emotions and seeing written out what I have been pouring over inside my body and mind – my first reaction is, start another fucking book your whoos!  

I mean how damn hard is it to move on – well it’s (was) hard that’s for sure – but maybe the book is not about you and someone else – maybe the book is about you – and it’s your job to add chapters, and they and your relationship are just the first third of the book. 

 Or maybe the book is about your life and the chapter titles take you in a different direction in the book because your relationship has gone in a different direction.  Putting words down on paper lets you see things, or for certain it allows me to see them, in a clarity my mind often doesn’t’ allow.  Math is much easier to understand when you see the calculations on paper, explaining long division to someone without the aid of pencil and paper is something I wouldn’t want to experience.  Why wouldn’t it be the same for your emotions?  Getting it out on paper when you can see them – being able to express your inner thoughts in written words allows you to put your emotions outside yourself to be seen.  Once seen they can be understood and processed and managed and then filed away as experience.  This must be why a journal is recommended gear for travelers in life’s mysterious ways.